This is Supposed to Be It

So why does it hurt so bad? This is supposed to be when our dreams turn into reality. We are moving to Williams, AZ, 40 miles west of Flagstaff. We will be living on a lovely 5 acre parcel dotted with Juniper trees and wildflowers, surrounded by fresh, clean mountain air. Low temperatures in the summer, snow in the winter. The kids get to continue their Waldorf education. The house will be downsized to a 21' travel trailer. The chickens can even move with us. Perfection.

Except I will be alone at this for five days a week because Tris has been offered and has accepted a job two hours from Williams. I would go, but there is no college that I could attend up there. I have finished all I can at community college. She has tried to be reassuring that all is well, that this is the right move. I am trying to be brave for her, but I am not doing a very good job of it.

On top of her being gone, I have to sell the house. I couldn't afford it anymore anyway, so the sale is an inevitability, but I am still crushed. We started our dream here. We planted trees that will bare fruit and nuts next spring. We have two thriving gardens and happy chickens. I have a kitchen that I can cook, bake and can in. A bathtub to wash the clothes. I will not get to see the trees produce. I won't even know if all the love I have put into the house will be appreciated by the next owner.

I am leaving friends and family dinners behind. I am leaving serious porch swing nights and lazy trampoline days behind. Pretty much everything is to be sold. It is very scary. She is leaving me behind to part with all this by myself.

And what do I gain? Stars. Air that Number 2 can breathe. Pure beauty surrounding me. Much time to think. A healthy place for the kids to grow up with huge imaginations. Snow, but not too much. A better degree. A chance to really know if I can make it on next to nothing. Growth in myself. Maybe spirituality.

My dream started here. Now it has to restart somewhere new. Being the impatient type, this is a hard pill for me to swallow. Starting over. Starting over the way I want. And doing it with a girlfriend who will hopefully be happier, even if it means I don't have her around. I'm not going to lie and say I am happy about this part, but I am 100% happy for her to have this opportunity.

Instead of family dinners, we will have weekend family camp-outs, so dust off your tents and Richanne, I need my other sleeping bag back some time soon. <3. Life in Phoenix will move on without us, but life in Flagstaff will just be getting started in December. I hope I can set all my fears aside long enough to get everything done here in order to move.

To the Moon, Alice....

The Queer Hippies Are Movin'!

Lookout Flagstaff, we are on our way! It has been officially decided that Tris, the boys, their bio-dad and stepmom and I are moving to Flagstaff! This is a bitter sweet announcement. We love our home and I am having a hard time really letting it go, even though I keep telling myself it is just a material possession. Still, it makes me sad to think I won't hear the creak of the hardwood floors, or the rattle of door hardware when the ac kicks on, or the burned smell in the living room when it is humid outside. This is the home our kids have grown up in. So many memories will have to be packed up from the porch swing alone.

Even with all the sadness looming, I am hopeful and excited. We will be downsizing, but at least half. I have a personal goal to only move 20 boxes, if not less. (I'm a little afraid my books will take up a quarter of those...time to sell, I guess.) The rest, except some furniture will be sold or donated. I am having little problem letting go of the stuff. There is not much that I am holding onto for sentimental value.

We are looking a large piece of land with a small shed to rent. We would probably be living in a motor home or camper for a bit. That may be tricky with five of us, but definitely cheaper and MUCH less waste of resources. And less clean-up! We will be able to keep the chickens and have room for more, work the land and grow much more food and play in the snow. We will be limited in the winter months for a growing season, but unlimited in the summer months. There is nothing stopping us from building a greenhouse.

This move leaves only one thing to be desired. Friends. I know I will make more, but I love the ones I have now. I want you all to move with us. Commune maybe? Or how about you all just come every weekend and camp on our land? Sound good?

Summer Snow

After having left Alaska, I almost feel homesick. I want so badly to be back. To experience the rest of the summer there. To be out of this heat. So I have been contemplating snow. I am reading a book called The Snow Tourist: A search for the world's purest, deepest snowfall, by Charlie English.

I just thought I would share some of the first pictures of snow ever taken, with you. Wilson "Snowflake" Bentley, the man that took the pictures, developed an intense curiosity for snow when he was child in Jericho City, Vermont. He saw his first magnified snowflake at the age of 15 and began photographing them at 17. He was the first person to ever photograph a snowflake.

Mr. Bentley was thought of as eccentric and sometimes crazy. He tried not to let the towns people's disinterest, nor their comments of his mental state, bother him. To me, his magnificent passion has brought beauty beyond measure. There have been many that have come after, including Masaru Emoto, who wrote The Hidden Messages in Water. Emoto experimented on the effects of positive and negative energy on water as it formed into ice crystals then photographed the results.

Above a water crystal formed with the words "Love and Gratitude" adhered to the dish it was frozen in. Below and ice crystal formed with the words "You make me sick" adhered to it. 

Both books are a fascinating read. The Snow Tourist gives a, perhaps unintended, perspective on global warming and capitalism, while The Hidden Messages in Water shows what effect positive energy has on increasing beauty. Hopefully you get a moment to check them out.

The Calm Before The Storm

Everything is dead calm. There's no breeze. The air is so still and thick with moisture that it's stifling. I can't remember ever observing this in my own front yard before. She's sitting next to me, looking east. She tells me that the reason the light is coming from the east, even though the sun is setting in the west, is because sun is reflecting on the rain from this magnificent storm heading our way. She tells me that back in Minnesota when the air would cease to move it meant a tornado was coming. I think maybe all the butterflies in China are sleeping. She tells me that a lazy breeze will start, getting stronger in the passing minutes. She tells me that the wind will start coming from all directions, north, south, east and west. She tells me that I will smell the storm soon after the wind picks up. I know these things. Still, I haven't been present in a weather moment like I am now; my heart at peace and my love sitting next to me. I have taken it for granted. Then the lazy breeze blows, a mystery I surely will never be able to totally wrap my brain around. The mystery is not that she said it would happen, but that a gentle wind just started. Something from nothing.

Showering (Written from the Road)

I thought about many things when I was driving to and from Alaska. Some of those thoughts were funny, maybe only to me though. Some of those thoughts were private and if I let them be, life changing. Some of those thoughts were about what I would write about for this blog. And for the last six days, I have been thinking about a shower. It’s been 8 days since water has touched the whole of my body. Why wouldn’t I want a shower, right? Except why do I? 

As Americans, we are so used to having a shower every day and I wonder why that is. As a child, Tris had a bath only once a week, on Sundays. When she got into high school, she bathed only one extra time a week. I remember taking hose showers after swimming at my grandmas or three of us at a time in the shower or bath at my mom’s sisters. There were 7 of us girls all together and only when we hit puberty did we get to shower alone, and only then just to wash our hair and body, no lolly gagging. 

Tris and I can smell each other, but it’s not offensive. I have watched people as she passes them to see if there is a wrinkle nose reaction, or worse, the inconspicuous nose cover or plug, but nothing. We ate at a sit down restaurant yesterday, after we crossed the border, and the waitress didn’t mouth breath or give any other indication that we were offensive. I am not arguing that we don’t smell, but I am arguing that the human body odor is not as gross as we have been taught to believe it is. 

So how often is often enough to shower? In the AZ winter, probably once a week is good enough. In the summer, once a day seems like it’s not enough. What’s a girl to do? 

UPDATE: Since we have been back, we have taken at least one shower a day, not to de-smell, but to cool off. It’s a huge waste of water, but it’s also a trade off. Run the A/C constantly or quickly cool down in a lukewarm shower. (Lukewarm because it doesn’t get any cooler in 115°F heat.) 

Quick Update (with more later)

I am in Homer, Alaska. I am awaiting the arrival of my love, T. She is on day seven of the Hoka Hey! Last I heard she was in Wyoming and I hear that they are going through Montana, so Rosie, be on the lookout! I had no plan as to accommodations when I got here, so I am essentially homeless, but have found two places to camp. I can shower at the laundry mat for a few dollars and I brought all my own food. I did eat out this morning at Two Sisters Bakery, a gay owned local shop. Was super great! Now I am sitting in a yurt, a knitting shop yurt! The name of the shop is CommunKnitty Stash. Life is so good right now!!!

The shop owner is Sarah. She invited me to knit as long as I want, til the shop closes. I stopped in for some needles and boy did I find some. And for inexpensive! $6! Can you believe that? Bamboo and circular for that price. Phoenix yarn shops, eat your heart out! I bought 4 pairs because they were such a great price! More later. I need to write about my journey anyway!

"Be Safe?"-me "Always"-her

This is our daily send off. Most days she leaves before I do. Today is no exception to that, but it is an extraordinary day. Today T begins the journey she, we, have been preparing for, the Hoka Hey 2010 Endurance Challenge. This unseasonably cool June morning (only 70°F), at 5am, she rode off into the sunrise. My beautiful partner following her heart.

The is a huge race. The race begins on Sunday June 20th in Key West, FL. Contestants are given only a map of one 1000 mile leg of the race at a time. The whole race is 7000 miles and goes until she hits Homer, AK, where I am bound starting Friday, the 18th. T plans to ride 1000 miles a day, which she has been training for for the last several months. She must sleep by her bike at all times, never go more than 5 over the speed limit and cannot carry extra fuel. (There are tons more rules but I don't remember. I have been up since 4:30 this morning.) She will be outfitted with a GPS tracking device, so they can monitor her speed and progress.

When T wins, no later than June 27th, she will be subjected to a lie detector and drug test, to make sure she followed all of the rules. I will be there in a camp chair waiting for her arrival. Some of my mapped out days are 17 hours long driving. I opened the drive up to company, but nobody could go, so this is a solo trip for me. My biggest fear was sleeping in random places n the states, but my mom decided that she would cover all hotel rooms for me until Alaska. I am only taking her up on half of the trip. After Chetwynd, BC, I am sleeping outside in the two person tent I am picking up today.

When I get to Alaska, I will be camping for a few days at an organic farm, called Seaside Farms. I hope to fill me days with helping around the farm, knitting, reading and waiting by the finish line for T to cross. I cannot wait to see her, already. Lame, I know!

The house is silent for the time being. The kids will be here soon. Their dad took them because I wasn't sure if I would be a basket case or not this morning. Not yet, but there's still time. This next week will be a busy one. Oil changes, tire rotations, last minute shopping for pb&j fixin's, my road trip staple, and saying goodbye to the kids. I really wanted them to go, but heir dad said no. God I am going to miss them! But no time to think about that now. Lots of kisses and snuggles this week for my sweet boys!!