So why does it hurt so bad? This is supposed to be when our dreams turn into reality. We are moving to Williams, AZ, 40 miles west of Flagstaff. We will be living on a lovely 5 acre parcel dotted with Juniper trees and wildflowers, surrounded by fresh, clean mountain air. Low temperatures in the summer, snow in the winter. The kids get to continue their Waldorf education. The house will be downsized to a 21' travel trailer. The chickens can even move with us. Perfection.
Except I will be alone at this for five days a week because Tris has been offered and has accepted a job two hours from Williams. I would go, but there is no college that I could attend up there. I have finished all I can at community college. She has tried to be reassuring that all is well, that this is the right move. I am trying to be brave for her, but I am not doing a very good job of it.
On top of her being gone, I have to sell the house. I couldn't afford it anymore anyway, so the sale is an inevitability, but I am still crushed. We started our dream here. We planted trees that will bare fruit and nuts next spring. We have two thriving gardens and happy chickens. I have a kitchen that I can cook, bake and can in. A bathtub to wash the clothes. I will not get to see the trees produce. I won't even know if all the love I have put into the house will be appreciated by the next owner.
I am leaving friends and family dinners behind. I am leaving serious porch swing nights and lazy trampoline days behind. Pretty much everything is to be sold. It is very scary. She is leaving me behind to part with all this by myself.
And what do I gain? Stars. Air that Number 2 can breathe. Pure beauty surrounding me. Much time to think. A healthy place for the kids to grow up with huge imaginations. Snow, but not too much. A better degree. A chance to really know if I can make it on next to nothing. Growth in myself. Maybe spirituality.
My dream started here. Now it has to restart somewhere new. Being the impatient type, this is a hard pill for me to swallow. Starting over. Starting over the way I want. And doing it with a girlfriend who will hopefully be happier, even if it means I don't have her around. I'm not going to lie and say I am happy about this part, but I am 100% happy for her to have this opportunity.
Instead of family dinners, we will have weekend family camp-outs, so dust off your tents and Richanne, I need my other sleeping bag back some time soon. <3. Life in Phoenix will move on without us, but life in Flagstaff will just be getting started in December. I hope I can set all my fears aside long enough to get everything done here in order to move.
To the Moon, Alice....
Friday, August 13, 2010
Even with all the sadness looming, I am hopeful and excited. We will be downsizing, but at least half. I have a personal goal to only move 20 boxes, if not less. (I'm a little afraid my books will take up a quarter of those...time to sell, I guess.) The rest, except some furniture will be sold or donated. I am having little problem letting go of the stuff. There is not much that I am holding onto for sentimental value.
We are looking a large piece of land with a small shed to rent. We would probably be living in a motor home or camper for a bit. That may be tricky with five of us, but definitely cheaper and MUCH less waste of resources. And less clean-up! We will be able to keep the chickens and have room for more, work the land and grow much more food and play in the snow. We will be limited in the winter months for a growing season, but unlimited in the summer months. There is nothing stopping us from building a greenhouse.
This move leaves only one thing to be desired. Friends. I know I will make more, but I love the ones I have now. I want you all to move with us. Commune maybe? Or how about you all just come every weekend and camp on our land? Sound good?