Monday, March 1, 2010

Last Night

I almost lost her once last night. I could have helped, I think. It was so fast and so blurry. Then I lost her. I watched her drown. Gone. I was following the rules and she died. She died. I had to tell her family. My grief was unbelievable. I was screaming and crying. I was shaking and sobbing. I was numb to all else; the only thing I felt was the pain of losing her. I woke up and was truly surprised to find her there, right next to me. In my head I said, “Oh”; out loud, she told me later, I gasped and burst into tears. I sobbed for a solid half hour. She kept telling me that she was there, she was safe and so was I. I had a hard time believing her. I still feel like I am in a dream. 
There are so many ways to interpret a dream. Face value, she is going to die. I reject that one. From the dream book, death equals birth in real life, drowning equals bad business deal and so on. I could also substitute myself for all facets of the dream. I was the lake that I was drowning in. I died. I was the extraordinary grief. That might take me a little time and a considerable amount of quiet to interpret the dream that way. 
How I will interpret it for right now is that I must cherish her. I must cherish the all people around me, for they may not be here when I turn around.  She was gone from me and my feeling of loss was greater than anything I have ever experienced. My babies must also be treasured. Everything that I do has to be for the good of all of us, people I know and don’t know alike. On my path to simplicity, I will do less harm everyday. My very existence will still have an impact on another being, but it is my goal to walk as lightly as I can. 

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